Memories of Missing and Loving…..


The earliest memory of my mother ironically is of missing her. Like I do today. She was and is away. As a child of four, I wasn’t able to reason, or understand why. I couldn’t even try.

A tiny house of six hundred square feet in pale pink. I remember the kitchen having black speckles on the floor and there was a polished white sink. Frilly curtains of sheer at the window above. Two bedrooms, I think. My little brother and I shared a room so small our fingers touched from one bed of maple lacquer to the next.

It was Christmas morning, and Mother was not there. She was in the hospital cradling a new baby sister who was born on the Eve before. Snapshots are in my mind of sitting in warm flannel near a perfect tree decorated delightfully. Full and bright in colored lights, it brushed the whole of the room. Presents galore. A galloping black rocking horse on red springs for my brother, plus a Chatty Cathy doll dressed in a blue cotton dress for me. She was like magic! Pull a ring of plastic white and she talked to me. Yes, really talked to me! Daddy and Grandpa were there too, but no Mommy to see.

My mother was a wonderful mother. Not a perfect mother but she did her very best. She raised five children, one who nearly died at birth, and struggled thereafter. Mother coped silently with severe anxiety and depression, yet pushed through to better herself personally and professionally. In spite of only a tenth-grade education, she surpassed every goal she ever set for herself and was probably the hardest working woman I ever knew. She was beautiful and creative, kind to others and loved all people.

That was then, this is now. Mother’s Day is nearly upon us. Yet, today the same feeling of missing my mother is still deep inside of me…almost tangible. It’s as if I’m a child of four kneeling at the foot of the Christmas tree whose mother is away again. Except this time, I’m all grown up. She’s not coming back. The painful perception of abandonment. For whatever reason perhaps this feeling has never left me?

The rocking horse under the Christmas tree has jumped from his springs of red to ride out to pastures of green where my mother rests in peace today. Chatty Cathy hopped upon his saddle to perhaps watch over her. Pull a string behind her neck to hear three sweet words never to forget,“I Love You.”

Happy Mother’s Day

*Dedicated to all mothers, particularly those who suffer from depression, anxiety or any other mental disorder.mom and dad

*Mother and Father. My favorite picture of them, circa early 1970’s

31 thoughts on “Memories of Missing and Loving…..

    • Bless you, Pat. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours as well. I know you have written of the special love between you and your mother, or perhaps you wrote to me about it long ago? Either way, I remember it touching me so. Such a special connection together with a closeness deep in your heart. I believe she passed on, is that right? Please know I am thinking of you both today and tomorrow too. Prayers with Love, Pat.

      Like

  1. I think mothers are special enough that we never stop missing them. The dedication they show us from birth leaves an impression that doesn’t leave and which we place great value on. My mother may not have been physically with me for many years now but I always offer her my thanks on Mother’s day and remind her that I love her.
    That’s a wonderful photograph of your parents Kim.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Special words in your heart for your mum, David. Yes, we need to celebrate the gift of them especially on Mother’s Day, but on each and every other day too. Like you said, their ‘impression’ is with us always. Beautiful words from you. Your mother was a lucky lady to have you for a son. I’m sure she knew that though. Love to you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Kim, I am sad for your early loss in life. Having children may set off postpartum depression extra hard on those who already have challenges of depression and anxiety.
    She was beautiful! Kim, she loved you dearly and hopefully, we see those we love in Heaven once again. I lost two fetuses, one half way along, my first and there was a song at a concert by the Greens who sang “There’s a Rocking Chair in Heaven.” My kids knew they lost a sister before they were born making them even more special. They also knew they lost a brother. For years, we rotated the two Christmas ornaments, angels. Once my grandies were born, I chose to keep my angels and put them on a shelf to see. ❤

    Like

      • Thank you for such a lovely message. I hope to be a better friend stay connected, Kim. We have several things in common, including my working with special needs preschoolers. (You had a beautiful baby photo, from someone you are close to, last year who I believe had Down’s Syndrome) We both believe family means everything to us. Bless you and your family. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, we do have much in common. Robin. My dear neighbor bore a beautiful baby born with Down Syndrome, and the photo you refer to accompanied a poem I dedicated to her entitled, “Special One.” I will try to do better on my end, Robin. Often, I get overwhelmed trying to keep up with everything. No more than anyone else, I’m sure. 😊 Thank you so much!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I feel blessed to have been connected to you. I hope to be better at staying in touch, Kim. Thank you for the blessings you sent and I warmly wish to send mine back for you and your family.
        Last year, when you posted about a beautiful baby with Down’s Syndrome. I felt this was a special post since I have had a sister in law and a dear friend whose brother were considered this. I appreciated that post and keep in my mind that this would make a nice children’s book. Now, that you have your twins book finished. . . ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bless you, Robin. A wonderful idea. I do believe I would like to write more for these children. Families too. Go back to my roots if you will. A lot for me to figure out. Unfortunately, I’m lacking in the financial department, nor can I even draw a stick figure!!! 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Smiles and hopes for your future possibilities. Time has much to offer us, Kim. ❤
        Your illustrator for your book did quite well, Kim. My youngest daughter has a good friend in music. She became part of fund-raising online. I am not sure what it was called but one is called Crowd-rise. Maybe the idea of it being half or one third giving back? March of Dimes sponsored or? Just brain storming. . . my art is very simplistic, Kim. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for your terrific ideas, Robin. Brainstorming never ends. I’ve always given back from the beginning, and probably will go back to it. Does a heart good to know one is making a positive difference in the lives of others. Alisa’s art is fantastic, no other word to describe it! Her illustrations fit, Babies of Two to a “T.” So blessed to have worked with her and formed a friendship in the process. I’m in love with her family of little boys too! Currently I’m in the process of getting my house ready to sell which is weighing me down, clearing out the clutter and all that goes with it. 🙂 Once it is done, I’ll be able to concentrate on what I REALLY love! I’ll be in touch, Robin. Would love to pick your brain in the future if you are willing. Blessings to you.

        Like

  3. This could be part of a fundraiser online project, Kim. I hope your dream may come true. It will have to percolate. Take care and blessings for your thinking of those families, too. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • So special to me is this post about my dear mother who was loved, yet perhaps never quite felt it the way she could have. Depression and anxiety are nothing to be ashamed of. People need to realize they are not ‘alone.’ Thank you for helping to raise awareness.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s