First of the Season


First of the Season.  A yellow rose.  My mother’s favorite.  Much like the single bud of a beautiful flower, my mother’s life was budding into motherhood when her fragile mind was struck by a chronic illness far too much for her to bare.

If you’ve been a faithful reader of mine then you already know.  Early on, I wrote a post touching on this, http://wp.me/p41md8-6Q.  Typically, there is a “trigger,” that breaks down one’s mind.  The person can handle no more.  “Enough,” it says.  “Please, I need a rest.”  Until the next, unless the mind is treated.  My mother was never treated.  She was never aware there was such a thing.  Truly, she believed they would take her away, never to be returned to her loving family.  How sad for her.  How sad for all of us.  Such a waste of much of my mother’s joy and happiness.

As a very little girl…..4-5-6 years old….was that when it first began?  My earliest memory of this is of my mother writhing in pain, begging my father not to call the doctor…or was it an ambulance?  He had one hand on the black phone with the curly cord.  “No,” she cried.  “I don’t want the ‘white coats’ to get me.”  Terrified, she was.  I have this picture of her grabbing hold of my father…his arm?  His leg?  Not letting go.  He was in pain, too.  At a loss with what to do.  Trying his best to comfort her.  I remember him sitting on a chair or the bed.  His head down defeated.  Dark, messy hair in big hands.

Many times, my father wondered what to do?  He was overwhelmed, yet strong, loving and true.  Such a young man when all of this began.  No education available back then.  He knew only that his loving young wife was sick.  He had a full-time job together with three young children…babies, to be responsible for.  “Bad Nerves”  was the term most often used for my mother’s condition back in the 1950’s.

People did not talk about mental illness years ago.  Even today, there is a major stigma attached to it.  Shhhhh…Mental illness is no different from my oldest son’s diabetes or my youngest son’s asthma.  If you need help, do not be afraid.  See a doctor.  Get therapy, take your medicine, seek treatment, or all of the above….please.  A sick mind is an illness not to be ashamed of.  It is no one’s fault.  Least of all yours.

Because education was little at best, and access to help was next to impossible, my mother suffered the whole of my life.  I don’t have any proof of her illness.  No doctor’s reports, no test results or hospital admissions.  Still, my memories and research are enough for me.  So many years of life she missed!  Days spent in bed behind a closed door or rocking back and forth swallowed within the safety of her favorite chair.

My siblings and I have gotten through life just fine. A few of us have stumbled here and there, but nothing like my mother went through. Of course, we were all educated and knew when to get help. Our mother taught us well. We learned from her, not necessarily from what she said, but in how she loved us in spite of her illness. She did her best and tried even better.  She loved us all, 1.2.3.4.5.

Good memories outweigh any that may be discolored.  God has a way of doing that.  So glad….  In Heaven, He covers my mother’s forehead, quieting her mind.  No more anxiety, no more demons, no more suffering.

This single yellow rosebud is a reminder to me of my loving mother.  The first of the season….

Fresh With Morning Dew: 7:00 AM

photo 1 (30)

11:00 AM After Sunlight Shines Upon It

photo 3 (20)

Another View for My Mother….

photo 2 (30)

54 thoughts on “First of the Season”

      • Yes Kim…It is so important to notice the moments in our lives…there are so many we can sometimes take for granted. I am so sorry for your bleeding heart…but by the way you wrote about your Mom I can tell you loved her so much…and you accepted her. These are the important things. She is in heaven and she watches over you…Blessitude

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  3. Hopefully your words may help just one person understand that mental illness isn’t something to be ignored or scoffed at. Thankfully nowadays it’s a bit more spoken about but we have a long way to go before it will be considered the same as diabetes or asthma, but the more we talk about it, the more hope we have. A beautiful piece.. sending a rose to you and your mum xxx

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    • Oh, thank you, Livonne, for your kind, insightful and thoughtful words. Every time I read a comment, I cry. How I wish my mother were alive today to get treatment. To live the life she so deserved. Blessings.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your also beautiful memories about your mother. And yes, even today it can be difficult to talk about mental illness. I think you all helped her to stay alive, love is very powerful.

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    • Thanks to you, Irene. Somehow, together with God she must have sent me a ‘message’ this morning when I stepped out on my patio to see the, “First of the Season.” Your words bring me peace. Thinking that, I’m keeping her memory, “Alive.” Thank you.

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  5. Through all she was enduring mentally she was able God gave her the grace to love her children and care for them. It is sad that she was not able to get help to ease her struggle . I read your original post and admire your mother as I admire you and your posts. She is now free from the tormented mind she had to endure through out her life. Your family sounds loving and giving. It is beautiful that every time you see a yellow rose you think of your mom, and I will now remember her as well from now on when I see that single yellow rose. God Bless you and your family.

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    • Thank you so very much, Patricia. Such kind and generous words of love in your heart for my mother. Yes, everything you said, she was. I hope one day, mental illness will be out of the shadows of shame. That is what I wish for. It is a dream of mine…for my mother. Somewhere I read that the yellow rose means,”Peace.” In Heaven, surely she has it now.

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  6. My wife’s Mom went through this more than mine. But when my Mom had cancer spread all through her body, it became a comfort to us that my Mom was no longer as aware of what was happening to her. My wife’s Mom…affected her family deeply. I’ll have to ask my Diana to see what flower was her Mom’s favorite…lilacs???

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  8. What a beautiful beautiful post!! 🙂 When I was a teenager, from 14-19 I looked after a little boy, from he was just a baby, 9 months, I started with just a couple of hours every day, but then I found out that his mother was suffering from depression, and I started taking care of the boy also during weekends, his mother was admitted many times to hospital, and during those times I used to stay with the little boy because his father was working abroad. Once I stayed there for 2 months while the mother was in hospital. It was difficult to see how she was around her son, even though I knew it was not her fault at all. When he cried and begged for her attention she would just ignore him. It was so sad. She broke promises and broke hearts. But she used to talk to me about her illness. She was suicidal at times, and she used to tell me how she felt like a burden to the world and to her son, and that she thought the world would be better without her. That was the first time I understood suicide, and that it is not a selfish act, it is the result of a sick way of thinking. I mean sick as in being ill, or having an illness. She would tell me little bit about her childhood and her bad memories, and this is where she thought she got her illness from. When she was not sick she was warm and caring and loving. And it was so sad to see how her illness ate her up. I hope and pray that she is better today! Thank you for sharing this beautiful post with me! 🙂 and I love the yellow roses! 🙂

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    • Marijke, my humble thanks and true appreciation for this generous nomination. So special indeed due to your own kind words, “Because of your open heart.” I have not done well with nominations of “Duplicate” Awards in the past-not understanding the protocol. Finally, I am educated enough to know there are ‘no rules.” Right or wrong, I have made it a practice not to accept the same award more than once in the past, therefore I sadly must decline. However, I truly do thank you profusely for reading my words and for being touched in some small way by them. How warm my heart is to know that my work is, “appreciated,” Marijke. Thank you, with this “Open” one. Blessings to you, Kim

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      • You don’t have to copy or duplicate these awards. But I sence your appreciation in your open heart 🙂

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      • I do accept your nomination and high regards of appreciation, Marijke. Like you stated, for whatever reason I do not feel ‘right’ posting a duplication. Somehow, I never do this correctly…(probably something from childhood…lol). Some other bloggers have no problem posting and saying so, but everyone is different. Thank you for understanding…at least trying to. 🙂

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  15. What a poignant post tinged with Happy and Sad memories.. May the Yellow rose always bloom bright in your heart for the love of your dear Mother Kim… It will always be held in your hearts memory.. with Love..

    Sending you a Hug.. Sue xox

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