Unanswered Questions

Jay at 2 in AZ on Sofa

By the spring of 1989 I began to question the greatest role God had given to me, that of being a mother.  It was a role I cherished; singing silly songs, dancing in the dark and holding tiny hands while bouncing a bundle on my hip.  Moments that would pass all too soon.  I knew it then, I know it now.  Still, frustration set in at my inability to grasp all the “right” answers, the way that I thought every mother should.

Normally, my intuition was remarkable. My family and friends would  tell me so.  I often had an innate ability to “‘read” people.   Not “reading”‘ someone’s palm at a covered table like physics in the movies, or looking far off into the spirit world, I simply mean getting a “feeling” for something.  For example: several years before, I blurted out to my future brother-in-law that he would marry my younger sister one day.  He didn’t know my sister.  He had never spoken to her or had seen a picture of her.  I can’t repeat his words to me on that warm summer night, but suffice it is to say that he married her the very next year almost 29 years ago.  Forgive me for digressing: the point is, when I needed my inner intuition the very most, it wasn’t  there to give me the answers I most desperately wanted to “hear.”

My husband’s job in sales required him to travel much of the week, so my boys and I spent nearly every minute together.  We visited downy baby ducks at the golf course pond or teeter-tottered on long red benches in the park.  When temperatures neared 100, we splashed bright beach balls in the pool, ate “SpaghettiOs” for supper, and watched “Big Bird” before tumbling into one big bed within the shadow of the desert moon. In between the sweet smiles and fun, a dark cloud hovered overhead.  My oldest son’s moods began to change from time to time.  One hour he’d be my darling precious boy, the next he’d become withdrawn and pale, or perhaps hyperactive and uncontrollable.  I never knew who he would become, or when it would happen: neither did he.  Often I would cry for him, my innocent son, the child I had no answers for.   Sometimes, he would “catch” me and cry for his mommy.  He didn’t understand, this angelic one.

I took him to his pediatrician where all the normal tests were run.  Everything came back fine, of course.  “He was just a growing toddler,” his doctor would say.  My frustration grew.  Was I a good enough mother?  What was I doing wrong?  I enrolled in a night-time “Parenting Class,” trying to discover the answer; trying to become a “better” mother, praying to God on the way there in the dark of the night, and then again on the way back.

In the end, it didn’t matter what I learned.  Diabetes was on its way to change his life and ours forever.  Slowly my little child’s pancreas was being destroyed, one islet cell at a time.  It would be about three years before God would let us know.  It was part of His plan, our journey ahead, and the reason I write this blog, in part.  Lessons I’ve learned together with my unexpected blessings along the way. Parcels God placed in my “gift basket”‘ of life.  Naturally, I would not understand it for many years to come.

Many, many years………..

Jay age 2 & Baby Justin in Crib  Jay wit his TuTu age 2Jaywithbeachball

9 thoughts on “Unanswered Questions

  1. Well, ignore my last message, as I was able to get right on your blog today. How is your son doing these days? I hope he’s got it under control and all is as well as it can be when you have that dreaded disease, diabetes.:)


    • Thanks, Tammy. He’s in a good place right now! I thank God for each and every ‘good’ day. Jayson’s job is his daily passion, he’s found the woman of his dreams and he loves his daughter so very much. I count my blessings!


      • That’s great to hear. Sounds like his life has turned out, not so bad after all. Yes, we must count our blessings every day because you never know when a blessing can be taken away in the blink of an eye.:)


      • Like I said, I thank God for every ‘good’ day. You know how it is living with a chronic illness. Anything can happen on any given day. Technology is much better now, and he has a service dog. Together, they help keep him safe and well. For nearly 20 years I didn’t sleep a whole night through. I can finally do that now. But, I’d never have it any other way. He is so worth everything. My whole life. Both my boys are.


      • Yes, chronic illnesses are no fun and you never know from day to day what is going to happen. Sounds like he’s at least got it under control, pretty much, for the moment. We can only live in the moment. Looking back, with 4 kids, I can’t even imagine how I did it. They were always sick, they played every sport known to mankind, cheerleading, flag team, dance lessons, scouts, you name it. The things we do for out kids, but like you say, I wouldn’t of had it any other way. They just grow up so fast and before you know it they are big and going away to college, having babies, just living life as adults.


      • As you’ve probably noticed I vanished for a few days. If you read my new post from today, you will know why. It’s hard enough with everything else I deal with, or not, to now have this problem, again. This time they are saying they won’t remove them. A few more tests this week and then we’ll see what they are going to do or not do for me. It may just be time for Wild Thang to check out because this is NOT something I can just live with. The worst pain I’ve ever had in my life, not counting childbirth. Thank you for all your love and support. I really need it at this difficult time. I love you, too, girl. When you’re ready you can start writing and spilling the beans over there. That’s what we do here. Support, encourage and inspire. This has been a very therapeutical outlet for me. Everyone here keeps me going. Now if I check out, then it won’t be because I didn’t receive those things. It’ll be because I can’t take it any more. I can barely walk and adhesion pain does not go away unless they are removed. 2 trips to the ER. Sunday I had to be carried to the car to get there and Monday morning when I woke up I couldn’t even sit up, let alone walk and I was taken by ambulance. I hope all is well with you.
        Peace, love, and hugs my dear friend,
        Wild Thang 🙂


  2. You are an amazing writer! I love how eloquently you describe your struggles. That’s something I often have difficulty expressing because there is always so much swimming in my mind. Thanks for stopping by my blog because I am happy to have found yours. blessings to you. xo, Michele


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